How to Approach Tough Conversations

You can encounter any number of tough conversations throughout the day in your professional and personal life. We all approach those interactions differently and often bring our own baggage into the exchange. It’s not intentional it just comes with the territory when you encounter real emotions from a real human being.

Or as I often think about it -when you see the real humanness in someone.

It’s something I think about every single time I walk into a locker room after a loss. I’m an NFL sideline reporter and I’ve worked in professional locker rooms for more than 20 years. It’s my job to get interviews after every single game win or lose which means some weeks I have up to six tough conversations in a 30-minute time frame immediately after a loss. 

There is a lot of emotion surrounding 53 pissed off, frustrated, disappointed and exhausted men.

None of them really want to see me walking toward them with a microphone. All of them understand it’s my job. But that doesn’t make the conversations any less challenging. 

My post-game interviews are specific to the game, but the approach is the same one I use when I encounter tough conversations anywhere else.

Here’s the framework I use and the things I consider when engaging in a tough conversation:

1. Reframe “tough” conversations. Characterizing something has tough or difficult adds to the emotion of the situation. Think of it as the conversation that needs to take place. Everyone in a losing locker room knows what the conversation will be like. The athletes have already anticipated the questions. It’s not the conversation anyone wanted to have, but it’s the one that has to happen.
2. Provide an opt-out. This doesn’t always work in a business setting and you might not think I should do this in a sports setting, but athletes always have the choice of whether or not they want to talk to me. (Contrary to popular belief they do not have to talk to me in a locker room.) It does me no good to force a conversation on someone because it fits my timeline. Forcing someone to talk when they don’t want to, or aren’t in a good space to talk, doesn’t make the conversation more productive and it won’t lead provide the answers or the resolution anyone expects.
3. Meet people where they are. Interviews following a loss can sound terse, the conversation might feel short or abrupt. Questions might be met with one-word answers. And all of it is okay. It’s not about me. It is not a personal statement about me. The fact they are willing to talk to me after a tough game says a lot already. When someone agrees to talk in a challenging moment, meet them where they are. In a locker room I’m grateful for the interview. I’m not going to take offense to the way they answer questions as they process the outcome of a game.
4. Show appreciation. The audience might not hear it during the interview but I always express my gratitude and appreciation for the conversation at two different points in time. In the locker room I’ll say something like “I know that was a tough game. I appreciate your willingness to talk to me.” Or “I know this sucks, thank you for being the veteran who can answer the questions.” In the days following the interview - after the emotion has worn off - I will find them again in the locker room to say thank you and highlight a specific answer or insight they shared in the interview that I appreciated. Adding a specific comment and talking to the guys when I’m not asking for anything is part of maintaining a good relationship that makes losing interviews easier.
5. Ask for feedback. When I circle back around I often ask for feedback on the questions I ask post-game. We’ll talk through things I missed or how I could have phrased things differently. This is not about avoiding tough conversations it’s about finding ways to make them easier or more productive. All communication is a two-way street. When the emotion of a situation fades getting feedback is one of the best ways to improve communication in the future.

I regularly encounter tough conversations throughout a sports season. You might encounter tough conversations around family gatherings, household budgets, performance reviews, year-end goals or any number of things.

This framework can give you a starting point for how to approach those interactions with a little less emotion and angst.

At the very least it’s a reminder about giving grace and space and acknowledging time and place and recognizing the real humanness in someone.